If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
