That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
