what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
