My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
