you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
