two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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