Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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