umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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