No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
