community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
