i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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