i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
A bitchslap is in order.
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