Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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