My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
