WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
