I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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