On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
