her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
