Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
