Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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