We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
