I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
