Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
