This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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