WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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