dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
