I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We have so much sex to catch up on
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
