Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
