Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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