I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You ruined the universe
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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