I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
