At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
