The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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