Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
The air taste purple.
Randomize
