I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
