I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
