singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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