I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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