Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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