Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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