I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
