We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just high enough for therapy.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
