Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
