oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
