it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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