i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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