how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize