im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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