remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
