i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
