the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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