you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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