I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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