she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
