Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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