a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
