he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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